Death: The definitive end !
Over the past few days, I have experienced the loss of my dear grand Uncle, my wife's friend and my classmate's dad. From the time the news of the passing away reaches you till the time when the doors are shut literally, a plethora of feelings flash by.
News of the passing away:
You know quite a few in your family, friend & acquaintance who are perhaps suffering from some ailment or the other and going through some degree of recovery. Your mind scans this cache and in a wicked way, it seems to be relatively acceptable if a person was in this list. And if the person is outside of this 'list', that's when shock seems to set in. E.g. someone passing away in an accident is obviously a black swan moment. We seem to look for a cause-and-effect theory to reconcile the event. With the advent of all pervasive social media, it takes very little for news to go viral and disseminates the info virtually instantly. To the extent that folks seemingly auto-expect that you should have already got the news by now.
The "T-minus" moment :
Have we wondered about the person who is about to pass away ?
My Uncle was a different person and what a man ! Extremely supportive of everyone, stickler to ethics and compassionate, he lived a frugal life that was sufficient for his family & him. His smile & laughter were genuine at all times. Reminds me of the sign at the nearby Bharat Electronics factory, "Nature gives mankind enough for his/her need but not for his/her greed" (quoted by the Mahatma). He was all of 84 & until Jan this year has rarely ever fallen ill, thanks to his sprightly lifestyle which included lots & lots of walking, through the years. Once his health took a turn for the worse and after many a recovery, his equilibrium state continuously dipped lower & lower. He was made of a different kind & I doubt we will get people with that fibre now.
He prepared his family for the event to the T. Like most folks in my family, they maintain a "New Year's Diary" from possibly 1985 that essentially contains the phone numbers & addresses of everyone the family knew/knows since time immemorial with an unique indexing system that is woefully inadequate in a matter of few years and you have addresses & phone numbers written in every conceivable angle, add-on pages and what not. ~Four months ago, my Uncle picks one of the less congested pages, asks for a marker pen in a deliberate standout colour (purple) and writes the sequence of what needs to be done in what order. He wanted a simple & no-fuss farewell. He had made enquiries with the Arya Samaj, got the contact person's name & schedule and meticulously penned it down to the time he preferred to be bid goodbye. He asks the family to wait for the 'Bangalore party' (in his words) to come and delay till the cut off time as he was sure that we would turn up. (And we did !) He saw the logistics of making it to Chennai, in advance. And then, he takes his purple marker and marks people across the ages, his former colleagues, family, friends and everyone else he felt should be informed, with a tick mark. That number was not a handful but many times over. Not very hard to imagine his circle of well-wishers given his nature. He declined medical attention during the last hour of so as he seemed to know that his end was imminent. His doting immediate family was with him and virtually breathed his last in their warmth. Befitting his nature, his corneas were extracted and is probably helping two lives somewhere in Chennai today.
I have heard elderly relatives talk about the so-called, "grand death" to describe some vaguely defined parameters associated with the funeral. I suspect they measure in terms of people visiting one's remains, the general talk that happens in whispers, the attendance of the 'mandatory' relatives and the works. Not that I believe in this, I think this one and the Christian friend who passed away matches all these criteria.
I last met him in March and he was not at all depressed despite all the suffering. Nor was he resigned to the inevitable. Instead, he had to ask about everyone and set the expectation to meet him soon.
Coming back to the pondering query, we seem to set eternity as something beyond the horizon, out of sight. Health status is definitely an indicator that may prepare someone. I've lost a number of near & dear ones to the dreaded C. We hope that they pull out of the dumps 'somehow', cross the bridge and let them age gracefully. I suspect some people would prefer to go doing the things they like the most. I would rate the tragic death of Phil Hughes, the cricketer from Oz, in that category, despite the tragic ball. Perhaps, the untimely death of many a commando like Sandeep Unni or Lance Naik Mohan Nath Goswami ? I would exclude brain washed morons out of this.
I see many who just give up and anticipate their end every moment. What a waste. While that may ease their suffering, they seem to shut their learning & sharing which is no good. The world needs to know a lo & needs to learn from everything. How I wish they chronicle something or the other of their lives.
I remember my Aunt who passed away just under a year ago, reminded me of things to be done, whenever I met her. She had given up, in my mind. She could have made an attempt of walking a few steps to exercise. She preferred to sit on a wheelchair citing comfort and height. I think these just added to her psyche. Sad that one of her wishes was to donate her cornea and due to her widespread spread of diabetes, it wasn't found suitable. She instructed that her Thali be gifted to her maid's daughter, who was due to get married sometime thereafter. I inherited a wonderful collection of her LPs maintained so meticulously over the years. And a cupboard that she wanted me to have. Everything was instructed to my Uncle.
And there are probably us, who do not prepare oneself/ anyone for the inevitable. Somehow that is considered defeatist or not career-friendly. We take everything for granted going by the law of nature's averages, to be on the right side. In my line of work, preparing for a disaster is an inherent virtue.
Our films are way too dramatic in hashing the T-minus event. Flashbacks, the last prayer, the final goodbye, super slow mo, etc are so unreal. Ok, that's art.
The act of goodbye
The final act is the process of consigning the mortal remains to flames / bury them is so fascinating to observe. People of different faiths take different routes and repetition of some hand-me-down (a-la Chinese Whispers, IMO) rituals are meticulously done, all with the belief / intent of a graceful goodbye. There lies the dichotomy of it all.
I've seen several instances that brings out the real 'relationship', everyone has with the departed person. Superstitions rule the roost. Simple humanity takes a back seat. Many a time, you get to rope in unknown strangers to be the pall bearers or to shift the body. Immediate family members bank on these all powering superstitions to legitimize this understanding. I've seen a brother ask if he is 'really required' to come to the crematorium for his sister's funeral. In other faiths, I've seen the partner of the deceased just summarily ignored for want of the (sic) proverbial 'social acceptance'. Everyone seems to be concerned and grieving. I will put a stake in the ground and state some of them are the passing cloud variety. One cloudburst and the sky is clear. The real ones stand out. They are probably the ones who tended to the person when (s)he was alive.
Different rituals & customs preach different methods. Some are downright crazy for me. Keeping the body 'outside' the home on the street prior to being carried away is one despicable practice, practiced through the ages. At the end of the day, the person was someone dear. Younglings in the family don't lend a hand due to some stupid beliefs and elderly people / strangers are called upon to lend a hand. Apparently, the whole event is 'impure'. Damn me, for what ? If you didn't care for the deceased person, that is impure& not with the rituals, some of which are downright regressive and do not have any place in the 21st century.
The rituals that follow for two weeks are quite macabre. There is a whole industry behind that. But that seems to somehow comfort the grieving family. A lot of "must do's" are prescribed. Why do we not change ? For the same intent & amount of money spent, many a deserving family can benefit. And the recurring tamasha that follows is something else.
There are some faiths which celebrate the life of the one who has passed, sprinkled with a generous dose of religious practices. My first brush with a Christian service was an eye-opener. Firstly, you need to be fit. You are called upon several times to stand up and sit a dozen times ! The eulogy is an interesting wrap up of one's life. Much like a performance appraisal, except for the nasty parts. Your whole life is summarized by someone else in a few sentences. The hymns and the soul stirring song at the end of the service was an experience that stayed long after the service was done with. I was given to understand that the deceased wasn't too religious but his sending off was religious to the T. What an irony !
For an atheist like me, I would say, shut the door, don't immerse any ashes and will be happy, if the folks just said, 'good riddance' :-) Accept the inevitable.
Some sidebar elements in the process of the funeral:
The bureaucracy of the process is a different cup of tea. At yesterday's funeral, the official took his own sweet time to write the cremation certificate and then gave the 3 pearls of wisdom:
a) PAN card, driving license, passport are indications of the person's living
b) Death certificate is the confirmation by the Doctor, of one's passing away
c) Cremation certificate is the ultimate document that confirms the disposal of the living ! (just to highlight his importance, I guess)
Not to miss the opportunity, he graciously offered to collect the official certificate & handover in 3 weeks, for a fee plus 'petrol money'. We don't seem to spare the dead.
Spelling & addresses are to be checked with a fine comb and not accept a single comma out of place. Else, every inhertance and nomination seem to get into a dispute and a lengthy remediation process.
The act of cornea donation is such a noble & practical gift. Not to missed within 4 hours (or so).
Recently, I was in the act of that rare spring-cleaning and stumbled upon hand written letters or notes from some relatives who passed away many years ago. Made me relive the moments with them. Could not help retain those as a treasure.
The definitive end
Much like the saying that goes something like,'Enjoy every day as if it is your last', death seems to be the final summation of life. It does not seem to hurt to offset some part of our lives to plan for that. Monetary instruments are usually the low hanging fruits. What about one's dreams , passion and the so-called unfinished agenda (don't mean revenge :-) ) ? How about preparing the next of kin & others for the 'new equilibrium' of their lives ?
News of the passing away:
You know quite a few in your family, friend & acquaintance who are perhaps suffering from some ailment or the other and going through some degree of recovery. Your mind scans this cache and in a wicked way, it seems to be relatively acceptable if a person was in this list. And if the person is outside of this 'list', that's when shock seems to set in. E.g. someone passing away in an accident is obviously a black swan moment. We seem to look for a cause-and-effect theory to reconcile the event. With the advent of all pervasive social media, it takes very little for news to go viral and disseminates the info virtually instantly. To the extent that folks seemingly auto-expect that you should have already got the news by now.
The "T-minus" moment :
Have we wondered about the person who is about to pass away ?
My Uncle was a different person and what a man ! Extremely supportive of everyone, stickler to ethics and compassionate, he lived a frugal life that was sufficient for his family & him. His smile & laughter were genuine at all times. Reminds me of the sign at the nearby Bharat Electronics factory, "Nature gives mankind enough for his/her need but not for his/her greed" (quoted by the Mahatma). He was all of 84 & until Jan this year has rarely ever fallen ill, thanks to his sprightly lifestyle which included lots & lots of walking, through the years. Once his health took a turn for the worse and after many a recovery, his equilibrium state continuously dipped lower & lower. He was made of a different kind & I doubt we will get people with that fibre now.
He prepared his family for the event to the T. Like most folks in my family, they maintain a "New Year's Diary" from possibly 1985 that essentially contains the phone numbers & addresses of everyone the family knew/knows since time immemorial with an unique indexing system that is woefully inadequate in a matter of few years and you have addresses & phone numbers written in every conceivable angle, add-on pages and what not. ~Four months ago, my Uncle picks one of the less congested pages, asks for a marker pen in a deliberate standout colour (purple) and writes the sequence of what needs to be done in what order. He wanted a simple & no-fuss farewell. He had made enquiries with the Arya Samaj, got the contact person's name & schedule and meticulously penned it down to the time he preferred to be bid goodbye. He asks the family to wait for the 'Bangalore party' (in his words) to come and delay till the cut off time as he was sure that we would turn up. (And we did !) He saw the logistics of making it to Chennai, in advance. And then, he takes his purple marker and marks people across the ages, his former colleagues, family, friends and everyone else he felt should be informed, with a tick mark. That number was not a handful but many times over. Not very hard to imagine his circle of well-wishers given his nature. He declined medical attention during the last hour of so as he seemed to know that his end was imminent. His doting immediate family was with him and virtually breathed his last in their warmth. Befitting his nature, his corneas were extracted and is probably helping two lives somewhere in Chennai today.
I have heard elderly relatives talk about the so-called, "grand death" to describe some vaguely defined parameters associated with the funeral. I suspect they measure in terms of people visiting one's remains, the general talk that happens in whispers, the attendance of the 'mandatory' relatives and the works. Not that I believe in this, I think this one and the Christian friend who passed away matches all these criteria.
I last met him in March and he was not at all depressed despite all the suffering. Nor was he resigned to the inevitable. Instead, he had to ask about everyone and set the expectation to meet him soon.
Coming back to the pondering query, we seem to set eternity as something beyond the horizon, out of sight. Health status is definitely an indicator that may prepare someone. I've lost a number of near & dear ones to the dreaded C. We hope that they pull out of the dumps 'somehow', cross the bridge and let them age gracefully. I suspect some people would prefer to go doing the things they like the most. I would rate the tragic death of Phil Hughes, the cricketer from Oz, in that category, despite the tragic ball. Perhaps, the untimely death of many a commando like Sandeep Unni or Lance Naik Mohan Nath Goswami ? I would exclude brain washed morons out of this.
I see many who just give up and anticipate their end every moment. What a waste. While that may ease their suffering, they seem to shut their learning & sharing which is no good. The world needs to know a lo & needs to learn from everything. How I wish they chronicle something or the other of their lives.
I remember my Aunt who passed away just under a year ago, reminded me of things to be done, whenever I met her. She had given up, in my mind. She could have made an attempt of walking a few steps to exercise. She preferred to sit on a wheelchair citing comfort and height. I think these just added to her psyche. Sad that one of her wishes was to donate her cornea and due to her widespread spread of diabetes, it wasn't found suitable. She instructed that her Thali be gifted to her maid's daughter, who was due to get married sometime thereafter. I inherited a wonderful collection of her LPs maintained so meticulously over the years. And a cupboard that she wanted me to have. Everything was instructed to my Uncle.
And there are probably us, who do not prepare oneself/ anyone for the inevitable. Somehow that is considered defeatist or not career-friendly. We take everything for granted going by the law of nature's averages, to be on the right side. In my line of work, preparing for a disaster is an inherent virtue.
Our films are way too dramatic in hashing the T-minus event. Flashbacks, the last prayer, the final goodbye, super slow mo, etc are so unreal. Ok, that's art.
The act of goodbye
The final act is the process of consigning the mortal remains to flames / bury them is so fascinating to observe. People of different faiths take different routes and repetition of some hand-me-down (a-la Chinese Whispers, IMO) rituals are meticulously done, all with the belief / intent of a graceful goodbye. There lies the dichotomy of it all.
I've seen several instances that brings out the real 'relationship', everyone has with the departed person. Superstitions rule the roost. Simple humanity takes a back seat. Many a time, you get to rope in unknown strangers to be the pall bearers or to shift the body. Immediate family members bank on these all powering superstitions to legitimize this understanding. I've seen a brother ask if he is 'really required' to come to the crematorium for his sister's funeral. In other faiths, I've seen the partner of the deceased just summarily ignored for want of the (sic) proverbial 'social acceptance'. Everyone seems to be concerned and grieving. I will put a stake in the ground and state some of them are the passing cloud variety. One cloudburst and the sky is clear. The real ones stand out. They are probably the ones who tended to the person when (s)he was alive.
Different rituals & customs preach different methods. Some are downright crazy for me. Keeping the body 'outside' the home on the street prior to being carried away is one despicable practice, practiced through the ages. At the end of the day, the person was someone dear. Younglings in the family don't lend a hand due to some stupid beliefs and elderly people / strangers are called upon to lend a hand. Apparently, the whole event is 'impure'. Damn me, for what ? If you didn't care for the deceased person, that is impure& not with the rituals, some of which are downright regressive and do not have any place in the 21st century.
The rituals that follow for two weeks are quite macabre. There is a whole industry behind that. But that seems to somehow comfort the grieving family. A lot of "must do's" are prescribed. Why do we not change ? For the same intent & amount of money spent, many a deserving family can benefit. And the recurring tamasha that follows is something else.
There are some faiths which celebrate the life of the one who has passed, sprinkled with a generous dose of religious practices. My first brush with a Christian service was an eye-opener. Firstly, you need to be fit. You are called upon several times to stand up and sit a dozen times ! The eulogy is an interesting wrap up of one's life. Much like a performance appraisal, except for the nasty parts. Your whole life is summarized by someone else in a few sentences. The hymns and the soul stirring song at the end of the service was an experience that stayed long after the service was done with. I was given to understand that the deceased wasn't too religious but his sending off was religious to the T. What an irony !
For an atheist like me, I would say, shut the door, don't immerse any ashes and will be happy, if the folks just said, 'good riddance' :-) Accept the inevitable.
Some sidebar elements in the process of the funeral:
The bureaucracy of the process is a different cup of tea. At yesterday's funeral, the official took his own sweet time to write the cremation certificate and then gave the 3 pearls of wisdom:
a) PAN card, driving license, passport are indications of the person's living
b) Death certificate is the confirmation by the Doctor, of one's passing away
c) Cremation certificate is the ultimate document that confirms the disposal of the living ! (just to highlight his importance, I guess)
Not to miss the opportunity, he graciously offered to collect the official certificate & handover in 3 weeks, for a fee plus 'petrol money'. We don't seem to spare the dead.
Spelling & addresses are to be checked with a fine comb and not accept a single comma out of place. Else, every inhertance and nomination seem to get into a dispute and a lengthy remediation process.
The act of cornea donation is such a noble & practical gift. Not to missed within 4 hours (or so).
Recently, I was in the act of that rare spring-cleaning and stumbled upon hand written letters or notes from some relatives who passed away many years ago. Made me relive the moments with them. Could not help retain those as a treasure.
The definitive end
Much like the saying that goes something like,'Enjoy every day as if it is your last', death seems to be the final summation of life. It does not seem to hurt to offset some part of our lives to plan for that. Monetary instruments are usually the low hanging fruits. What about one's dreams , passion and the so-called unfinished agenda (don't mean revenge :-) ) ? How about preparing the next of kin & others for the 'new equilibrium' of their lives ?
Well said Sreedhar,Sudden deaths leaves you with many unanswered questions,keeps hunting you for long.And rituals are very personnel.
ReplyDeleteDo good and enjoy!!
Yeah, Veena. To each their own, I guess :-)
ReplyDelete